Insomnia task 2 - Wonder why I have insomnia

Ok. This SUCKS. I have got to get a schedule going. I am not getting a whole lot done lately because I don't know when I will be awake and when I will be sleepy. I was sleepy ALL DAY after a full night's sleep last night. I ended up taking a nap in the early evening because I could not stay awake. Now I can not go to sleep.

In other news, Ryan's birthday was nice. Things here are a-ok. We have some new friends maybe, definitely good candidates. I got to see my best friend Steph this past weekend and that was wonderful! Her family is moving to West Point and I am really bummed at how we barely see each other now, living in the same town. What happens when we are so many states apart? Le sigh.

I have been learning all about fertility lately, and taking my basal body temperature. Its kind of cool to see the patterns as I've never really paid much attention to how my body works before. The scientist in me is fascinated. The pragmatist in me realizes that I have other things to be doing besides pondering my hormonal surges, basal body temp, and other more graphic elements to fertility charting. The future mother in me says "hurry up already and have a baby!" Yes, I hear voices. Don't you?

I am exceedingly frustrated with school. I don't know why. I am just not into it anymore. I've lost my groove. None of it feels like it matters, and I feel very disconnected from the process. I need some deadlines or stress or something. I just don't seem to care right now. Its a very bad place to be. I don't regret choosing to get a PhD at all, but I do wonder if it was a smart decision. If I could re-do things I'd be making a lot more money by now. I'm not feeling passionate about science, I'm feeling sort of like I wasted a lot of time. This is probably a common reaction to nearing the end of the PhD process, I don't know. Graduate school is strange. So many people regret NOT doing it and then so many people who do finish grad school wonder why they bothered when their friends who didn't go to grad school are more successful than they are. The grass is always greener, no?

These are the things on my mind when I can't sleep. I think I followed the rules and was a good girl for too long, now I just want to buck the system. People tell me to do things and I think "screw you!" What are you going to do to me if I don't show up for your stupid mandatory meeting? Kick me out? Ok! I think I waited much too long to hit the rebellious stage in my life, but boy howdy I'm there now!